A Guide to American Cheese

Hard, Runny or Spray?

Before all this madness started, I was in an American style burger restaurant and ordered an cheese burger. I paid extra for the "cheddar cheese" topping. I put that in quotations marks because what they gave me was the colour of a high-viz jacket and about as tasty.There are, in fact, only three kinds of American cheese: hard, runny or spray. Hard comes in three colours: white, orange and marble (which is a mixture of the white and orange), so it’s much easier to understand than the hundreds of European varieties like Roquefort and Buxton Blue.Runny cheese is reserved for things like nachos. You pour it over everything on your plate but be careful not to get any on your clothes - it stains. My favourite is the spray kind - cheese in a can, known as Cheez Whiz (also Cheese Wow, Cheez-It and Easy Cheese). Why bother slicing cheese with a knife when you can just squirt it straight on your sandwich. And besides, it never goes off. Ever. When we do eventually destroy the planet the only thing left will be Anne Widecombe holding a can of spray cheese.So, my recommendation for American cheese, is don’t. Instead, try something they’re good at like foot long hot dogs or a whole bucket of fried chicken. Chlorinated, naturally.Footnote to my American friends: Of course this article is just a bit of fun. There are many wonderful American cheeses you can be proud of like Philadelphia, Dairylea Triangles and Pinkie Pie Strawberry Jack Cheese. Delicious.