My secret life as a young conservative

December 8, 2019 in Blog

Politics is like camping…

It was the highlight of my year. A chance to see one of my childhood hero’s close-up. When most eighteen year-olds in the late 80s wanted to see sexy, chart-toppers Duran Duran, I wanted to hear a talk by Chancellor of the Exchequer for Margaret Thatcher, Nigel Lawson.

Like Jacob Rees-Mogg and David Davis before me, I was a member of the Young Conservatives. Which, considering how left leaning my politics are now, is like telling me I used to be a poll-dancer called Jemima.

The journey to an audience with Lawson wasn’t an easy one. I mean literally. The eighty-mile drive from Grimsby to Grantham seemed epic in my Mini Cooper. No mobile phone, no GPS, and, according to the indicator-light half-way there, no oil. The first challenge was figuring out how to open the bonnet, the second was how to get more oil into the car. All I had was the dipstick – the very long, very thin metal strip that showed the oil level. After a ten minute search for a larger hole in which to pour the oil, I concluded it must go in through the dipstick hole.

The bible tells us, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” I can tell you that it’s even harder for a thread of oil to enter the dipstick hole of a Mini.

It was a slow process. Half an hour later I’d done about half a litre, which as it happened turned out to be enough to get me to Grantham just in time to hear Lawson say “thank you” at the end of his speech. Knowing him for the nonsensical climate change denier he turned out to be, I don’t think I missed much.

i had another encounter with an ex-Thatcher cabinet minister when I sang for Geoffrey Howe and friends. He fell fast asleep after the first number and didn’t wake up for the whole show. I thought I’d done him in.

So there are two reasons why I won’t be voting for a Tory at this week’s election. To be honest I’m not especially thrilled with the other choices either – and I know a dipstick when I see one.

To me, politics is like camping – I don’t like it. Not anymore. But we ought to vote, so if you’re not sure who to choose, click here and try this very clever tactical voting site. Whatever the result, I hope you can join me at one of my Christmas shows where we can all sing happy songs and forget about the real world, just for a bit.

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