Gary Williams

What has Simon Cowell got against cruise ships?

Talent show host Simon Cowell had another go at cruise ship entertainment the other day, criticising some of his contestants for being “too cruise ship”. Using cruise ships as a term of abuse is nothing new for Cowell and I just wonder what he is basing his opinions on. Perhaps his parents took him on a ship 30 years ago and he thinks nothing’s changed. Does he know for example that the platinum selling pop star Rhiannon has worked on a cruise ship? How about Tony Bennett? Would he call James Taylor “too cruise ship”. They have all worked on ships in the last twelve months. Perhaps he’d be interested to know that the Broadway smash “Hairspray” is currently wowing audiences nightly in one 1380 capacity state of the art theatre at sea.We should remember that we’re talking about the man who introduced the British public to a Michael Jackson impersonator dressed as Darth Vader and two teenage boys with alarming hair and too much energy jumping around insanely for three minutes. Two acts unlikely to be invited to grace the stage of any ship I know.

“remember that we’re talking about a man who introduced us to a girl and her dancing dog”

So what does Cowell actually mean when he says, “too cruise ship”? Tired lounge acts churning out wallpaper music? Maybe he saw Frasier Crane’s encounter with “The Barracuda” and thinks all cruise ship acts are washed up has-beens who spend more time working on their tans than their acts. Who knows?

It is true that cruise entertainment does present some unique challenges. Audiences can be very mixed, from young families on a budget to retired executives, and people from all parts of the globe with their own cultural references and languages – each with their own idea of what constitutes good entertainment. With such a wide degree of tastes and expectations it’s often necessary to appeal to as many people as possible by presenting a ‘safe’ selection of inoffensive comedy, music and dance. Anything too specific risks alienating sections of the audience. Larger ships solve this by offering something for everyone in multiple venues. Choice is paramount and it’s easy to forget you’re on a ship at all. Celebrity’s Solstice class, for example, offers seven highly diverse entertainment venues, so on any evening you could choose to enjoy a classical recital, a seventies dance band or full production show. It’s up to you

Many lines have been successful in segmenting the market to focus on one particular demographic. SAGA Cruises are exclusive to the over-50s, Royal Caribbean markets itself to adventure-seeking families and Cunard attracts those looking for traditional quality and elegance. Queen Victoria’s “Celtic Dreams”, for example, proves that it’s possible to get standing ovations without ever resorting to cliché. A rare feat for any show.

Talent competitions like Cowell’s are in part responsible for the demise of quality light entertainment on television where there were once plenty of opportunities for good acts of real substance and longevity to develop a national profile. Not any more. The social club scene has all but disappeared and without a “name” topping the bill, a regional theatre tour is a huge gamble. Cruise ships are one of the few places where skilled entertainers of real substance can still ply their trade. When Simon Cowell criticises his contestants for being “too cruise ship” he is denigrating a huge industry that’s giving valuable work opportunities to literally 1000s of performers.

Given a choice between a girl with a jumping dog or Tony Bennett – I know what I’d choose.